More Letters to the Editor...

With the Trickheart's construction completed and their bank account depleted there is not much to write about at the moment, so I thought I would address more letters from my readers.

Apparently my "Letters To The Editor" column last July was very popular and now people from all over the world are writing me for advice.

Below are just a few new questions randomly chosen from the thousands of letters I have received in the past few months:

Dear Chaz:

Each evening around 8pm my aunt starts “drunk dialing” everyone in the family. This goes on late into the night until either her cellphone loses its charge, or she falls into the pool.

What can we do to make this stop?

- Lush Life.

I am not sure I understand your question. When you say your aunt is “drunk dialing” - is she the drunk, or is she the sober one calling all her drunk relatives?

If she is "the drunk" this is inexcusable… on your part. Why are you leaving your poor aunt to drink alone near a dangerous pool?

Alcoholism is hereditary. If your aunt is a lush there is a good chance that you and all of your other relatives are lushes also. So stop fighting your heritage and get over to your aunt’s house and drink up.

Dear Chaz:

My unemployed sister is constantly asking if she can borrow money. Over the past 10 years I have given her many thousands of dollars. She has not paid back a dime.

Each time she approaches me for cash I tell her I can’t afford to give her another cent. Then she tells me some tragic story and I break down and give her more money.

What can I do to keep this from continuing? I am almost broke.

- Banking On It

Clearly your sister is using you. But If you are almost broke it sounds like this problem is about to fix itself. Well done.

Dear Chaz:

Three years ago I married my high school sweetheart. I now believe I have made a horrible mistake. I think I am in love with her sister.

What should I do?

- Paul In the Family

Does your wife have only one sister? Does she have any aunts? Do you like her mother? How about brothers… does she have any brothers? Perhaps you should schedule a speed dating event with all of her relatives before you make another commitment - since I doubt you will get a THIRD crack at this family.

Seriously, Paul, divorce your wife. Forget about your sister-in-law and let this family alone… move away, far away. You are pathetic.

By the way, when you said you married your “high school” sweetheart I am sure my readers are now wondering if you and your wife were both students when you met, or were you working as a teacher in the high school she was attending?

Sicko!

Dear Chaz:

I am 40 years old and married a woman 50 years my senior. We are compatible in all respects except one. I love my wife very much but I am finding it impossible to make love to a 90 year old woman.

What can I do to overcome my repulsion and give my aged wife the attention she demands?

- Sleepless In Seattle

Oh, Lord! Another Student/Teacher Relationship I am guessing!

The solution to your problem is very simple. I will give you the same advice I recently gave a nervous Tightrope Walker from The Lockstrüm-Jaegermeister Family Circus... Don’t look down!

Yikes! These "random" letters are getting worse and worse. There are a lot of troubled people out there.

Until next time, blah, blah, blah!

- C Smith

Private note to little Natalie:

Due to the nature of your question I will be answering your letter by mail. Until you receive my reply stop using the wood chipper, and for Christ's sake don't pet sit for any more of your neighbors.

- C