Monster...

Above is a link that is currently posted on the "Trickhart’s Blog Of Yesterday’s News”.

IT'S A RECIPE FOR RABBIT STEW!

I thought the country had moved past this revolting recipe in 1987 after the release of the film Fatal Attraction. But apparently there are still some sick bastards in the world who are just as demented as Glenn Close. Well, not Glenn Close “personally” but her character in the film.

So, this is the reward I get for helping the Trickharts!

What many of my readers don’t know is that two weeks ago Nobert asked me to help him pick up a new bathtub for his remodel. I looked at this request as a sign of détente. Once we got back with the bathtub for his home he realized he didn’t have a home – just a big hole in the ground (which is looking more and more suitable everyday). So I offered to let him store the bathtub in my living room for the next nine months until he is ready to have it installed.

This is just how naturally accomodating I am.

But I was tricked - just like Anne Archer in Fatal Attraction! You finally relax thinking Glenn Close is dead and then she pops out of the bathtub, boils your bunny, so you have to shoot her!

If Fatal Attraction has taught me anything it's that bunnies and bathtubs don’t mix. Nobert is going to have to come and get his bathtub sometime... and I will “Anne Archer” his ass when he does.

There is no détente!

A special thanks goes out to my friend over at http://discombobulatedrunning.blogspot.com/ for being on “Trickhart Watch” and pointing out their grizzly post.

The unthinkable...

The above cryptic comment was posted by (Code Name Alert) “Robert”. Sounds pretty close to “Nobert” doesn’t it?

Coincidentally (?!?!) someone left a box of Rabbit Helper® on my door step this morning.

As a safety precaution, Lars has been moved to a secure undisclosed location.

- C Smith

Lars. The first casualty...

As many of my regular readers know, I have a pet rabbit named Lars. He came to me as stray and has lived in my side yard adjacent to the Trickhart’s home for over seven years.

Since Lars lives outside and we live in Phoenix I have set up a misting system to keep him cool in the Summer. On several occasions, if I had forgotten to turn on the water before I left for work in the morning, I would return home on my lunch break and "mist my bunny".

I should have thought to explain to my coworkers what that meant since It was about two years before they even knew I had a bunny - which now explains why they would gag and throw out their lunches whenever I entered the company break room and reached into a communal bowl of potato chips.

This weekend Lars began acting very strangely. I don’t mean “Joaquin Phoenix on the Tonight Show” strange. It was more “David Hasselhoff eating midnight-carpet-cheeseburgers” strange. Lars was dazed, drifting, and disoriented, but still more tidy than Hasselhoff.

I thought Lars may have had a stroke and took him to the veterinarian for advanced medical treatment. As it turned out, he was only suffering from an inner ear infection. The veterinarian asked me many questions and ruled out many causes. Then she asked me, “Has Lars ever been exposed to loud noises?”

The concussion blast of the Trickhart’s basement excavation immediately came to mind. So I told the veterinarian, “The concussion blast of my neighbor’s basement excavation immediately comes to mind."

When I asked her if that could have been the cause her response was, “Maybe.”

This confirmed what I knew all along... The Trickharts are evil-doers.

With this testimony from unbiased, highly trained, medical personnel I have amassed additional evidence for my lawsuit against the Trickharts. It's bad enough to torment me - but to victimize a defenseless little woodland creature is inexcusable.

Luckily, an inner ear infection is treatable with antibiotics but the damage could have been much worse for the bunny. Loud noises can cause tinnitus, permanent hearing loss, acoustic neuroma, and even nasty headaches.

On a related note;

David Hasselhoff may not be a drunk.

He may just have an inner ear infection.

- C Smith

Letters to the Editor...

Not much has happened on the Trickhart’s remodel in the last two weeks so I have decided to take this opportunity to address a few of the thousands of fan letters I have received since starting this blog. I will return to writing on the progress of the Trickhart’s construction once the contractor receives a check, drawn on an account with sufficient funds, and returns to work.



Dear Chaz:
My family, friends, co-workers and I have been following your blog since its inception. We find your observations uniquely inspired and your insights amazingly relevant. Our neighborhood has even started “Monolith Mondays” were we all meet at the local coffee shop to discuss your weekly entries. We then attempt to resolve our own neighborhood conflicts by asking, “WWCD – What would Chaz do?”
We were wondering if you would attend one of our meetings so we could meet you in person and have you read your blog to us?

- Simply Awed in Ahwatukee

What a wonderful letter. Thank you for following my blog.
I regret that I would not be available to attend one of your meetings. But keep looking, I am sure you will find someone in your neighborhood who can read.




Dear Chaz:
How can you routinely write such horrible things about your neighbors, Farrah and Nobert Trickhart? They can’t possibly be as bad as you claim.
Isn’t there anything you can write about them that will give your readers a more balance view of these people?

- Sarah and Robert of Pheenicks

Oh, of course there is!
"Farrah and Nobert of Phoenix" are he most “genuine” people I have ever met.

How is that (imposter alert) “Sarah and Robert of Pheenicks”?




Dear Chaz:
I am the president of our neighborhood association and wanted to let you know how much I and the other board members enjoy reading your blog. We were hoping you could give us some advice.
How do you handle living next door to neighbors who drink to excess and have nightly brawls?

- Martha in Hyannis Port

Typically I just excuse myself and return home before the cops arrive. That won’t work for you since I am guessing from your location that you probably live next to the Kennedy compound where the police practically moonlight as bartenders.
Your best bet is to wait until the occupants have knocked back a few, then leverage their inebriation to convince them it’s an election year and that you are a reporter from Fox News. That should keep their little raucous caucus from getting out of control.




Dear Chaz:

A friend asked my daughter to be the flower girl in her wedding. After the bridal shower the maid of honor approached me and asked me to settle up on my daughter’s $85 portion of the shower. I was shocked. I have never heard of 4 year old girl being aked to pay for a bridal shower. I told her I would do what I could but I had not budgeted for this expense.
What should I do?

- Tightwad in Toledo

Oh for Christ's sake, how the hell should I know?
When your 4 year old son is asked to pay for his share of a stripper at a stag party get back to me.




Dear Chaz:
I am over 40, never married, and have not dated much. I am shy, plain, overweight, my ankles swell, my teeth are large, and I have hairy mole on my upper lip that obscures my breathing when I eat. I have been seeing a man who has also never been married. Last week he proposed, marriage, to me. I don’t really even like him but he is strong enough to lift me and pampers me like a queen.

Should I settle and marry him before changes his mind, or wait for a Prince Charming to arrive and sweep me off my feet?

- Lonely in Atlanta

Without knowing your gender there are two possible answers to your dilemma.
If you are a man and this guy is treating you like a queen you may want to reconsider your wardrobe - unless you are a “Queen” and then full disclosure is the only way to go. You’ll be able to hide your wobbly bits for only so long - it’s better to get them “out in the open” sooner than later.
If you are a woman I still say, “Grab him!” Even if Prince Charming did arrive and could lift you without throwing his back out - your self description makes me believe he would take one look at you, pop out his own eyes with a melon baller and stumble back into the forest to live in hole like the unabomber.
Don’t waste another moment – grab this frog now. And never, under any circumstance, allow him to schedule an appointment with an optometrist.

Wow! How quickly that devolved into a "Dear Abby" session. I guess people are just really desperate for good advice these days. I just have to say, when you are going through as much hardship as I am with my insensitive neighbors, it really feels good to reach out to others and help them in some small way - like I have today.

Well, that about wraps it up for this installment.

Thanks everyone for reading my blog.

- C Smith

The plans revealed...

In the spirit of the “Fourth of July” holiday I decided to reach out to my neighbors and invite them to dine at my home and watch the local fireworks display from my beautifully manicured backyard.

The Trickhart’s were prompt and under dressed.

Of course, they raved about the many wonderful dishes I served. They complimented me on my excellent taste in wine. They marveled at the elegance of my lush, flower filled garden. And they gushed at what an amazing host I am.

It was just like old times.

I have not always been at odds with the Trickharts. As a matter of fact, we had previously spent many holidays together. I was even a guest in their home on their very first Christmas as newlyweds. Seeing them open their gifts from each other was like a modern retelling of O. Henry’s “The Gift of the Magi”.

Nobert had sold his favorite beer stein in order to buy stockings for Farrah’s wooden legs. Farrah sold her wooden legs to buy Nobert a stout German ale to drink from his favorite beer stein. Which was unfortunate because Nobert can not hold his liquor and becomes quite abusive when he drinks and Farrah can not outrun him without her wooden legs. Things went from heartwarming to heart wrenching pretty fast.

That was the first and last Christmas I ever spent with the Trickharts. There were other holidays, but I will write about those at another time.

While at my little “Fourth of July” soirée, Norbert showed me the architectural drawings of his new home for the very first time (see image above).

It is everything I expected and worse.

That evening, watching the fireworks display, I prayed that one of the pyrotechnic projectiles would ignite my home so I could take the insurance money and move away from the hideous structure being built next door. But my “Independence Day” was not to be.

- C Smith

An inconvenient llama...

It appears the “other” blog (A Reasonable Addition) has posted a picture of a (pretention alert) llama wearing a scarf because there has been no progress on the “renovation” in the past few days.

Nobert is conveniently blaming the lack of progress on Southwest Gas, saying they need to cut the gas line. But frequent readers of my blog already know the true reason behind the work stoppage (as reported two days ago)...

Nobert’s hole is full of sludge!

These Trickhart’s will do and say anything to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. The good news is, since Nobert has publicly blamed Southwest Gas for the construction delay he can no longer proceed with his lawsuit against me for flooding his basement pit.

- C Smith