My water bill...

I spent the weekend in Los Angeles with my friend Stacy so I could get some time away from the noise and dangerous explosions of the Trickhart’s home remodel.

While I was gone Nobert’s construction crew broke the water main in my front yard. With extreme negligence the hapless crew left the water running all weekend without telling anyone what they had done. The massive leak irrigated my beautifully manicured lawn and in a delicious stream of irony it gushed into Norbert’s yard filling his almost completed basement pit with water.

Nobert was the first to discover the mess, but for some reason thought it was part of the construction process. He and his little friend (I will call him, Speve) decided to cool off in the rapidly filling hole without questioning why the water was coming from my yard.

When the construction foreman arrived he was a little miffed that no one had notified him of the water main break. The general contractor calculated that if they waited for the water to evaporate on its own Nobert’s little play pool would set the construction schedule back seventy-eight weeks. So this afternoon the contractor has hauled in an industrial sump pump to remove the water (and mud) which will take about three days.

Of course the water pump is very loud.

Nobert called me later in the day to tell me what had happened and demanded that I pay for the damages since it was my water that filled his pit.

I am so happy I had made the decision to put my attorney on retainer.

I can only imagine what my water bill will be.

- C Smith

The exploding money pit...

Excavation for the Trickhart’s basement began yesterday.

Armed with an issue of the “Journal of Mining Science”, Nobert decided to save money by doing the excavation himself.

The journal describes two necessary equations used for compressed volatile explosives detonation. The “2-D inviscid flow equation of mass, motion and energy conservation”, and the “isentropic JWL equation of adiabatic expansion of the detonation product”. There was also some pesky scientific jargon regarding aqueous dissolution rates and geological surveys - all of which Nobert interpreted as:

Ignite 20 pounds of gasoline-soaked gun powder in a sealed Tupperware bowl.

The resulting explosion seared the paint off the south side of my home, blew out three windows, and caused significant structural damage to my roof (See photo above). The magnitude of the blast was so intense that debris particles were still falling from the sky nine minutes after detonation.

Apparently Nobert’s basement is to be crater-shaped.

- C Smith

Practically a Soviet gulag...

Well... Apparently you DO need building permits after all.

This morning, shortly before sunrise, city officials and several police units came to the Trickhart's residence, pushed out the squatters, and erected a chain link fence around the entire property.  One squatter had to be physically removed from the big, blue porta-potty which was an ugly, ugly mess.

I spoke to a police officer at the scene.  He told me that even though the city had forced the remodel of the Trickhart home through an injunction it was still up to Nobert to get the proper permits and variances.  Being one to always skirt the law, Norbert went ahead with the remodel without the necessary papers.

For anyone who is interested, I have been through the “building permit process” many, many times.  I found it to be one of the best managed governmental services provided by this, or any, city.  The process is inexpensive, quick, fair and painless.  So other than sheer hubris there was really no reason for Nobert to go against the advice of his family, friends, neighbors and city officials and not to abide by the law.

- C Smith 

The progress so far...

As you can clearly see from this photograph, there has not been much progress so far.  Week two of construction began this morning at 4am with more pounding and a jack hammer.  Which means the crew is either still working on the interior demolition of the house, or they are trapped inside and trying to break out.  

Initially, when Nobert told me he was having a professional contractor remodel his home I was happy to hear it.  Nobert had done several past “renovations” himself with horrible results.  Farrah did the best she could to mitigate his shoddy workmanship by draping about swatches of color in the glassless window holes and adding faux textures to the exterior sheet metal, but her elaborate attempt to distract the eye was unsuccessful.  Regardless of what they tell you on the DIY Network, owning a hammer and some protective eyewear does not make you a skilled craftsman.

Nobert also fancies himself a technology expert though I’ve had to tell him countless times that he can not get free TIVO by pointing his satellite dish at someone else’s satellite dish.  At one point he had seven dishes on his roof (one for each channel he wanted to receive) but Farrah convinced him he only needed one dish since he only watches Antiques Roadshow anyway.

He is certain his home is full of antiques “just like the ones on the telly”.  After each episode of the Antiques Roadshow he rummages through the house to look for similar crap he can pass off as a rare collectible at one of his weekly yard sales.  He has yet to sell a single $12,000 lamp shade or $38,000 bud vase from his driveway.

Incredible!

- C Smith  

How they lived...

Apparently my neighbors, the Trickharts, have a competing blog (http://renovationnotes.blogspot.com/) claiming to document the “renovation” of their 1946 Central Phoenix home.

Pretention Alert!  Brownstones are renovated, tract homes are remodeled.

Their blog is misleading, at best.  The images on their blog are NOT of the remodeling process - they are images of how the Trickharts have been living for the past seven years. They didn’t decide to remodel, the city decided for them - with an injunction.

Many of us in the neighborhood have been discussing their little shanty eyesore for years.  We are glad someone down at City Hall has finally forced the Trickharts into the 20th Century.  I imagine they will eventually be dragged into the 21st Century but probably not without further governmental intervention.

The “renovation crew” has just left for the day so I imagine the night shift of squatters will be arriving anytime now.

- C Smith 

Squatters...

Anyone with an ounce of sense could see this coming.

You put a toilet in your front yard and people are going to use it!

I arrived home last night to find the Trickhart’s home infested with squatters.  Apparently they will be staying there at night for as long as they can.  Lighting fires, fighting over Dinty Moore Stew and boozing it up... much like the Trickharts had done.

I met a few of them last night while I was watering my yard.  They are very sociable though somewhat inarticulate, but not pretentious - which was a nice change.  We shared a few drinks and discussed Pythagoras and Fermat's Last Theorem so it was like the Trickharts had never left.

The alcohol they were serving was a bit rank, which only amplified the pounding noise I woke up to this morning.  But overall not a bad night.

- C Smith  

The Monolith Begins...

Yesterday my neighbors began an extensive remodel of their home. I have decided to document the experience for them, and my attorney, in this blog. For the sake of anonymity I will call my neighbors Nobert and Farrah Trickhart.

The project plans for their new home are so vast the finished product promises to blot out the sun and place my home in eternal midnight. It may even disrupt the balance of our entire neighborhood with its own gravitational pull.

Once Nobert and Farrah decided to embark on the remodeling of their home the assault on my property was immediate. During the surveying phase of the project the Trickhart's claim that it was “discovered” that they owned approximately twenty feet of my front yard. They immediately marked off the area as their own and purposefully re-landscaped it to shame me in front of the other neighbors.

Yesterday began the 4am pounding noises as their home is being destroyed to make room for the monolith. The “demolition pounding” is scheduled to continue for 27 weeks, then 32 weeks of the “digging of the basement” pounding will begin, to be followed by 29 weeks of “construction pounding”, and God knows what else.

As you can clearly see in this photo, my ears (and property line) are not to be the only thing to be assaulted during this process. The day before construction began the Trickharts mentioned there would be a "dumpster" or two in their front yard. Little did I know what they meant by "dumpster". From my living room window I now have a clear view of a giant, blue porta-potty. Now I can officially say they have a lot of crap in their front yard. And in case there is any doubt let me just tell you construction workers do not always have their pants pulled up before they exit the "big blue stench box".

I will write more soon. I am too tired to go on.

- C Smith