R.I.P. Hugo...

Sadly, it appears that Hugo, The Inconvenient Llama, is the latest casualty of the Trickhart Monolith.

Many of my readers were introduced to Hugo on the "Trickhart's Blog Of Yesterday's News" back on July 2nd, when he was used as an unfortunate prop by Nob when Nob had nothing else to write about on his blog.

The Trickharts had kept Hugo tied by his scarf to one of the patio support posts of their old house. It was just discovered that they had not untied him when the demolition crew came (over two weeks ago!) to clean up the debris from the destruction of that old house.

Now Hugo is gone.

The Trickharts believe Hugo was inadvertently dumped in a landfill with old wooden pilings, broken slabs of concrete and beer cans, but there is no way to be sure since they say they don't actually know how long he has been missing. It is only known that Hugo would not have gone quietly and judging from the amounts of bloody fur and tattered scarlet yarn blowing about the yard - there was quite a struggle.

Tonight the Trickharts are throwing a neighborhood Bar-B-Que in Hugo's honor and plan to have plenty of leftovers for anyone who would like to take home some lunch meat for sandwiches.

Hugo, whatever your fate, you will be dished... I mean missed.

- C Smith

A room with a view...

...of IT!

- C Smith

IT...

When I wrote yesterday’s entry I had only witnessed the progress of the Trickhart’s remodel from pictures on the “Trickhart’s Blog Of Yesterday’s News”. Naturally after seeing their posting I immediately raced home from work to assess the situation for myself.

I pushed my car to its limits and crossed town with amazing speed. I careened off the main highway into my subdivision, and tore through the neighborhood toward my house.

That’s when I saw… IT!

…from four blocks away.

As I drove closer it appeared ever larger. Larger. LARGER.

I turned onto my street. My eyes opened widely darting about in disbelief. There is no man-made structure on the planet that could prepare someone for the enormity of that building. Even my car hesitated - slightly - before approaching what lie ahead.

My once proud and stately manor cowered next to the monolithic Trickhart house as if brutally intimidated by the new imposing edifice. A sturdy, century-old cypress that stood in my yard like a grand sentinel of timeless strength now bowed in deference to this horrific monster.

I am not sure when I stopped and got out of the car. I only remember standing, looking up, way up, at the nearby behemouth. My eyes drawn to its massive, heaving frame. As if hypnotized I was pulled toward the beast yet felt strangely repelled.

The colossal Trickhart house reached out in all directions. North, South, East, West. It made no difference. No matter where you turned it was there. It was everywhere. And it didn’t just engulf the earth, it swallowed the sky.

Suddenly, I was rushed from behind and knocked to the ground!

“Don’t look at it,” screeched Malady, the neighbor from across the street. “It can sense fear!”

In an instant she and her husband and son, Bris and Hyatt, picked me up and pushed me into my home - locking the door behind us.

I stared at them in complete silence and disbelief.

“Was it real,” I muttered?

They nodded their heads. It was real.

We questioned how such a hapless crew of construction cast-offs could accomplish so much, so fast, without the help of ancient Egyptians… or even simple math.

It was unbelievable.

“It gets worse,” Bris said. “They still have to put on the roof.”

We sat in my home, the curtains drawn, in quiet terror.

Hoping “IT” would not hear us.

- C Smith

For the love of God...

... make it stop Growing!

- C Smith

Framed...

As noted on the “Trickhart’s Blog Of Yesterday’s News”, the contractor has completed the framing of the first floor of the big giant box next door. It promises to be quite a monstrosity. When people drive down our street they stop, gawk, and roll their eyes in disbelief. They ask me if our neighborhood is zoned for a Wal-Mart Supercenter.

The pictures on Nobert’s blog must be of another construction site. They look nothing like the mess that is going up in his yard. It’s horrible. Just as I expected it would be. And it’s only the first floor.

While Nobert was gushing about what a great framing job the construction crew is doing he failed to mention how badly the project started off. His contractor, being inexperienced, hired his initial team of framers from Aaron Brothers Art Mart. They framed the house... with a giant PICTURE FRAME.

Worse yet - they were not even good “picture framers”. They erected a massive eighty-foot square, contemporary styled, gold-leafed picture frame on the sidewalk in front of Nobert’s house. The frame did nothing to compliment the décor or color scheme of the construction site. It also put the Trickharts $30,000 over budget and is now decomposing in a landfill.

As Nobert told me, “You pay what you get for.”
(That’s not a typo, it’s a “Nob-o”)

- C Smith

Nobert the renovator...

Check this out!

While "surfing the net" I came across this little website posting.

It looks like the Associated Press caught Nobert having more than just his house renovated (click image to enlarge).

You’re probably asking why "Nob" would spend a fortune on facial reconstruction only to end up with results like that?

Of course, this is the best the plastic surgeons (multiple) could do considering the mess they started out with.

He probably should have initiated his little nip/tuck like he did his house remodel - with a complete "tear down".

Let's hope the reasonable addition turns out better.

- C Smith

Roses are red. Britian is damp…

Nobert has talked about wanting a British phone booth long before he had the money to buy one or the space to put it. He told me some people had even converted them into bathroom shower stalls – though he didn’t think they were large enough to be practical for that purpose.

After some quick “elementary” plumbing I can happily report that he was wrong. There is PLENTY of space in a British phone booth for a person to take a shower.

But drainage is a problem. And I pee in the shower.

– C Smith

The British are coming...

Two hundred and twenty six years after the American Revolutionary War ended with the signing of the Treaty of Paris, my turncoat neighbor has embraced the British Empire by having a British phone booth “craned” into his freshly dug basement.

Of course you will read about this tomorrow in the "Trickhart’s Blog Of Yesterday’s News”.

If that daft wanker invites me over to share a fag with a stonking banger and yorkshire pudding I am using “Big Red” as a loo to drop a bloody shite faster than you can say, “Bob’s your uncle!”

Cheerio!

- C Smith

Under the big flop...

Last week I realized my readers know practically nothing about the Trickharts themselves. I have decided to take this opportunity to share the first of many entries about the history of the Trickhart family.

When Nobert initially told me the following story I was skeptical, but he assured me it is all true. He even provided the above photographs as proof.

Farrah’s parents, Knat Lockstrüm and Yuli Bbjornstrømlandenhagen, met while attending the Ludvika Minicirkus School, the most prestigious circus school in Sweden. Upon graduation they traveled from venue to venue performing an ill-conceived act as a death defying motorcycle daredevil duo - without a motorcycle and sharing a helmet they leapt around the big top in tight fitting clothes making “grrrrrr” sounds.

Note: Years later, Yuli would show great talent as a costume designer with an amazing ability to create illusions. With flashy fabric and a simple “whip stitch” she would make Knat appear strong, Farrah tall, and Nobert intelligent.

Knat’s sister, Sherry Breath, joined Knat and Yuli on the European circus circuit as the glamorous “Queen of the Swedish Gypsies”. She was purported to have a remarkable skill as a fortune teller - except that she used a wine glass as a crystal ball and couldn’t see beyond two bottles of Cabernet, after which even her ability to see the past began to get a little fuzzy.

The trio eventually found themselves working for the Jaegermeister Circus. Sherry Breath showed an immediate romantic interest in the owner, Strongman Greg Jaegermeister, and he showed an immediate interest in red wine. So they married.

The Lockstrüm-Jaegermeister Family Circus was formed. It was the last of the great Scandinavian circuses - though even the greatest Scandinavian circuses really weren’t very good.

But there was trouble brewing under the big top.

Knat and Yuli’s invisible motorcycle routine was the only profitable act the circus had. But the Lockstrüms wanted children. The circus barely managed to stay in business when Yuli left the ring to bear her first child, Jehn, and she had only left the ring for about thirty minutes. When Yuli left a second and third time to have her two other children, Farrah and Cryan, the circus was unable to recover financially and down came the big top for good.

So the Lockstrüms and the Jaegermeisters did what any other bankrupt European family would do in those circumstances - they emigrated to the United States and left their children behind.

* * *

Nobert’s relationship with Farrah Lockstrüm started years later when Farrah arrived in the United States as a Swedish mail order bride. Her delivery was not intended for him. She was mishandled by the Post Master General and delivered to Nobert in error. Nobert’s luck was Farrah’s misfortune - but the Swedish are nothing if not complacent.

Historical Note: Sweden was once the human trafficking capitol of the world. The country sold and shipped blonde women (Sweden’s most desirable resource) around the globe until the advent of hair bleach made the natural blonde obsolete. The demand for Swedish women plummeted as they came to be considered a luxury rather than a necessity - since they possessed no other skill that would allow them to compete on the open market. Sweden then began to use its established trade routes to scatter their nations unwanted household trash all over the planet. IKEA literally means, “shitty yard sale full of crap” in Swedish.

Eventually, through Facebook, Farrah and her family were reunited in the United States and Nobert convinced the Lockstrüms and the Jaegermeisters to make a circus comeback. He could have convinced them to do anything, it is unfortunate they chose this as their first endeavor.

On opening night Nobert took the center, and only, ring as the "Master of Ceremonies" - mostly because he had no other skill to offer.

Knat and Yuli were to reprise their invisible motorcycle routine. Sherry Breath and Greg were to do something with alcohol and barbells. But the centerpiece of the show was to be a new act – Fabulous Farrah, the beautiful and fearless lion tamer.

Tragically, the Lockstrüm-Jaegermeister Family Circus came to an abrupt end (like this story) on opening night when, before the show, Nobert inadvertently traquilized Farrah instead of the lions. The results were horrifying. Her legs were so misshapen and ghastly from the attack that even after several corrective surgical operations she ultimately decided to have them removed and replaced by wooden table legs. Her knees are slightly less knobby now than they were before the incident.

Sadly, Nobert was also in charge of ticket sales so the entire event went unnoticed by anyone outside the Lockstrüm-Jaegermeister family.

- C Smith

Seriously...

- C Smith

Fencing with the neighbors...

The Trickharts must have gotten at least one check to clear because there was new activity at ground zero this morning.

As you can see in the photo above, the workers are applying gunite to the side walls of the basement and will later pour the floor.

Nobert would tell you, “Gunite refers to a process where a dry cementitious mixture is blasted by pneumatic pressure from a gun, hence "gun"-ite - blah, blah, blah...”.

More about what Nobert would tell you can be found here and here.

Something else you should notice from the photo above is that it was taken from my backyard - through where the fence USE to be!

The “Gunite Crew” crashed their equipment and knocked down an entire section of the block wall that separates my yard from the Trickharts’. The Trickharts claim the fence was on “their” property and not a shared structure (thanks to the sketchy surveyor who ascribed twenty feet of my property to them). They decided they no longer need a fence. If I want a fence put back up they told me to pay to have one built on my own property.

Of course the block from their fence is still lying in my yard. Tonight, before the cement floor of their basement dries, I am going to toss their blocks into the basement pit.

All of this information will probably appear tomorrow on the "Trickhart’s Blog Of Yesterday’s News” - so there would be no point in even visiting that site.

- C Smith