Two days ago the Trickhart's invited me to go hiking with them into the Grand Canyon. So naturally I got liquored up, jumped into their car and passed out just as we were leaving the driveway.
When I woke up we were outside in the dark in a heavily wooded area. Still groggy, I was not sure how I got out of the car, where the car was, or how long I had been unconscious. Farrah was arguing with Nobert and upset that he had turned off the highway and (apparently) misplaced the car.
After they stopped bickering we began searching the woods for a way back to the vehicle. As we walked, Nobert said he once read that five men were found ritualistically murdered in the area and that the woods were haunted. Nice.
We continued walking deeper into the forest, despite being uncertain of our exact location. We eventually located what appeared to be an old cemetery with three graves and several small cairns. Nobert kicked over one of the cairns with his strappy sandals. Farrah hastily repaired it and yelled at him for destroying "the environment" so Nobert skulked off into the pitch black darkness.
Eventually we called out for him but got no reply. He had vanished. After trying in vain for a few minutes to find him we assumed he found a Home Depot or something so Farrah and I decided to move on. It was then that we heard Nobert's screams. Farrah was understandably shaken - they had just signed a massive new mortgage on the monolith.
As Farrah and I continued stumbling around in the darkness looking for Nob, she found a bundle of sticks and fabric on the ground ahead. It contained blood-soaked scraps of clothing and what appears to be their dog Prance's bloody Kong chew toy. Farrah was sobbing and saying, "we're gonna die out here tonight...", when all of a sudden we heard strange cracking sounds. We could not locate the source of the noise and assumed it was an animal or something following us. Then we heard more of Nobert's agonizing cries for help. Farrah ran off in the direction of Nobert's whimpering.
By this time I was just glad to be rid of them and decided to go back to sleep to try to shake off my hangover.
The next morning I woke up and discovered I wasn't lost and we were no where near the Grand Canyon. The heavily wooded area was my own backyard. The entire thing was a trick perpetrated by the Trickhart's. Since the Trickhart's had used my yard to store their roof tiles for their remodel I had not been in my backyard for almost two years. The weeds had so totally taken over that it looked like northern Maryland - I didn't even recognize it.
We had been walking around in a circle in my yard for most of the night while they tried to "scare me". I was too hungover to notice that was what they were doing so they finally gave up and went home.
That's the last time I will ever go on an outing in the woods with my neighbors!
- C Smith
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