Housewarming...

The Trickharts finally opened their house to all the neighbors who endured the yearlong construction of the monolith. Their guests reacted to this event as many of their guests have done in the past - by hurling themselves out the windows.

Maybe it was Farrah's disturbing use of "cool blue" walls and brown polka-dotted wing-backed chairs, or Nobert's decision to replay the same droning Pet Shop Boys song over and over. Perhaps it was the buffet line of burnt crab puffs and oil-drenched deep fried CostCo pizza pockets, or the lack of alcohol.

Whatever the reason - the result was the equivalent of watching passengers on the Titanic making for the life rafts.

This event played out again and again as each guest arrived then immediately catapulted themselves out the nearest window. Luckily, few made it to the house's second story before leaping or there would have been some serious injuries.

This really wasn't so much a "housewarming" as it was a HOUSE-WARNING!

Naturally I videotaped the event. I am glad I did or no one would have believed it.

- C. Smith

Cozy...

Krispy Kreme Donuts® + Heineken® = Beer Cozy.

Must be my Birthday again!

- C Smith

Blair Trick Project...

Two days ago the Trickhart's invited me to go hiking with them into the Grand Canyon. So naturally I got liquored up, jumped into their car and passed out just as we were leaving the driveway.

When I woke up we were outside in the dark in a heavily wooded area. Still groggy, I was not sure how I got out of the car, where the car was, or how long I had been unconscious. Farrah was arguing with Nobert and upset that he had turned off the highway and (apparently) misplaced the car.

After they stopped bickering we began searching the woods for a way back to the vehicle. As we walked, Nobert said he once read that five men were found ritualistically murdered in the area and that the woods were haunted. Nice.

We continued walking deeper into the forest, despite being uncertain of our exact location. We eventually located what appeared to be an old cemetery with three graves and several small cairns. Nobert kicked over one of the cairns with his strappy sandals. Farrah hastily repaired it and yelled at him for destroying "the environment" so Nobert skulked off into the pitch black darkness.

Eventually we called out for him but got no reply. He had vanished. After trying in vain for a few minutes to find him we assumed he found a Home Depot or something so Farrah and I decided to move on. It was then that we heard Nobert's screams. Farrah was understandably shaken - they had just signed a massive new mortgage on the monolith.

As Farrah and I continued stumbling around in the darkness looking for Nob, she found a bundle of sticks and fabric on the ground ahead. It contained blood-soaked scraps of clothing and what appears to be their dog Prance's bloody Kong chew toy. Farrah was sobbing and saying, "we're gonna die out here tonight...", when all of a sudden we heard strange cracking sounds. We could not locate the source of the noise and assumed it was an animal or something following us. Then we heard more of Nobert's agonizing cries for help. Farrah ran off in the direction of Nobert's whimpering.

By this time I was just glad to be rid of them and decided to go back to sleep to try to shake off my hangover.

The next morning I woke up and discovered I wasn't lost and we were no where near the Grand Canyon. The heavily wooded area was my own backyard. The entire thing was a trick perpetrated by the Trickhart's. Since the Trickhart's had used my yard to store their roof tiles for their remodel I had not been in my backyard for almost two years. The weeds had so totally taken over that it looked like northern Maryland - I didn't even recognize it.

We had been walking around in a circle in my yard for most of the night while they tried to "scare me". I was too hungover to notice that was what they were doing so they finally gave up and went home.

That's the last time I will ever go on an outing in the woods with my neighbors!

- C Smith

More Letters to the Editor...

With the Trickheart's construction completed and their bank account depleted there is not much to write about at the moment, so I thought I would address more letters from my readers.

Apparently my "Letters To The Editor" column last July was very popular and now people from all over the world are writing me for advice.

Below are just a few new questions randomly chosen from the thousands of letters I have received in the past few months:

Dear Chaz:

Each evening around 8pm my aunt starts “drunk dialing” everyone in the family. This goes on late into the night until either her cellphone loses its charge, or she falls into the pool.

What can we do to make this stop?

- Lush Life.

I am not sure I understand your question. When you say your aunt is “drunk dialing” - is she the drunk, or is she the sober one calling all her drunk relatives?

If she is "the drunk" this is inexcusable… on your part. Why are you leaving your poor aunt to drink alone near a dangerous pool?

Alcoholism is hereditary. If your aunt is a lush there is a good chance that you and all of your other relatives are lushes also. So stop fighting your heritage and get over to your aunt’s house and drink up.

Dear Chaz:

My unemployed sister is constantly asking if she can borrow money. Over the past 10 years I have given her many thousands of dollars. She has not paid back a dime.

Each time she approaches me for cash I tell her I can’t afford to give her another cent. Then she tells me some tragic story and I break down and give her more money.

What can I do to keep this from continuing? I am almost broke.

- Banking On It

Clearly your sister is using you. But If you are almost broke it sounds like this problem is about to fix itself. Well done.

Dear Chaz:

Three years ago I married my high school sweetheart. I now believe I have made a horrible mistake. I think I am in love with her sister.

What should I do?

- Paul In the Family

Does your wife have only one sister? Does she have any aunts? Do you like her mother? How about brothers… does she have any brothers? Perhaps you should schedule a speed dating event with all of her relatives before you make another commitment - since I doubt you will get a THIRD crack at this family.

Seriously, Paul, divorce your wife. Forget about your sister-in-law and let this family alone… move away, far away. You are pathetic.

By the way, when you said you married your “high school” sweetheart I am sure my readers are now wondering if you and your wife were both students when you met, or were you working as a teacher in the high school she was attending?

Sicko!

Dear Chaz:

I am 40 years old and married a woman 50 years my senior. We are compatible in all respects except one. I love my wife very much but I am finding it impossible to make love to a 90 year old woman.

What can I do to overcome my repulsion and give my aged wife the attention she demands?

- Sleepless In Seattle

Oh, Lord! Another Student/Teacher Relationship I am guessing!

The solution to your problem is very simple. I will give you the same advice I recently gave a nervous Tightrope Walker from The Lockstrüm-Jaegermeister Family Circus... Don’t look down!

Yikes! These "random" letters are getting worse and worse. There are a lot of troubled people out there.

Until next time, blah, blah, blah!

- C Smith

Private note to little Natalie:

Due to the nature of your question I will be answering your letter by mail. Until you receive my reply stop using the wood chipper, and for Christ's sake don't pet sit for any more of your neighbors.

- C

Nobert prepares for rain in Phoenix...

Does this really require and explanation?

- C. Smith

Retraction...

Farrah Trickhart contacted me to say that I have irreparably damaged her reputation with my last blog post by including a shockingly deceitful and salacious allegation.

Farrah insists she is NOT 38 years old.

It must be noted that this is the only portion of my previous post to which Farrah objected. I have determined there are several possible explanations:

A - Farrah did not read the entire blog
B - Farrah is not an "active" reader
C - The voracity of every other fact on that post was irrefutable

D - Farrah doth protest too littleth!

Regardless, I want my readers to know that I understand the special status that has been accorded me as a member of the press and I accept that I have an ethical and moral obligation to uphold the public trust.

For this reason I would like to go on record to correct my previous entry by posting this retraction.

Upon reflection it does seem absurd that any reader would have believed Farrah to be 38 years old. I am indebted to Farrah for courageously pointing out this error before it went on to taint the voracity of the entire story.

- C Smith.

And baby makes (Felony)...

Mystery baby seen caged outside the second-story bathroom window of the Trickhart home.

Trickharts caught on camera as they laughingly toss food down to the "crated" mystery baby below.

Perpetual home remodelers Farrah and Nobert Trickhart are hiding the shocking real reason that they have hextupled the size of their home – the recent addition of a Scandinavian love-child to their family! 



Farrah, the 38-year-old self-proclaimed “career woman”, avoided admitting her relationship to the infant during a 13-minute investigation by Child Protective Services and publicly declared she was only “baby-sitting” for her sexy, hot, young, male, Scandinavian, psychic reader and his pudgy girlfriend from California - though insiders say Farrah is the real mother of the little Nordic neo-nate!

The authorities intervened after numerous reports of a baby being kept in a crate below ground and “caged” for days on end outside the second story bathroom window of the Trickhart’s new home. The Trickharts confessed to “sunning” the baby, but denied that Farrah was the mother.

"It's not the first time this has been suggested,” said a close friend. “There is no way she was only “baby-sitting” that child. Only a real, bio-mom would treat a baby so badly.”

Farrah began her psychic readings with the tall, tan, blond, Scandinavian, Californian, twenty-something, surfer two years ago but recently she realized the sessions were no longer fulfilling, divulged a close source.

"She knew it was over and made sure she told her psychic before Valentine's Day. She tearfully cancelled her appointments with him but agreed to continue baby-sitting the psychic’s child until the baby graduated high school. The “business” relationship began falling apart in June, and it never recovered over the last nine months. She's down in the dumps about it and has lost a lot of weight from depression, but doesn't rule out a reconciliation," the source revealed.

Nobert, however, DOES rule out reconciliation for Farrah and her psychic surfer. He also plans to take some parenting classes and adopt the child once he clears his name with Child Protective Services.

“I guess dangling the kid in a rusty cage outside the upstairs crapper wasn’t the best idea we ever had - but we made sure he had his tetanus booster and always knew where he was.” Nobert told the insider.

- C Smith.